I'm starting this up again as a way to get my thoughts organized, collected, and understood. With no subscribed readers or any posts in over a year (which have all been removed), Tilting at Windmills, currently sits as a very empty echo chamber, and I'm cool with that. What will be contained on these "pages" is my story. It probably isn't going to be too exciting all the time, but it is my story so that's what matters.
It "started" yesterday, kind of. Yesterday, January 15th of 2015. It was confirmed that I had Nonseminomal Embryonal Carcinoma, a somewhat uncommon form of Testicular Cancer. Just over two weeks ago, the end of December 2014, I spent most of a Sunday in intense pain, finally deciding to go to the ER around 6pm. I had an ultrasound done and had blood drawn to be tested, the very next day I was at the Urologist and was told that "that testicle has to go". On January 9th, I had an orchiectomy done to remove, what was at the time, a potentially cancerous mass. The surgery was successful, and I have spent the last week recovering at home and waiting to hear the results from testing done on the mass.
Yesterday, January 15th, 2015, right around 11:30AM, I got the news. I had taken the outlook to prepare for the worst, but hope for the best. I have probably landed somewhere in the middle. Further scans and testing next week will determine the stage of the cancer.
In an odd twist of fate, I learned that I have (potentially) the same cancer that former (somewhat disgraced) Tour de France cyclist, Lance Armstrong had. I learned that as I was checking spelling on Wikipedia.
I believe I could be somewhat justified in wanting to shut down, I have wanted to a few times in the past 24 hours. And I am completely justified in being angry. I'm 24 years old, in decent health, this will likely completely upend my life while I'm still trying to figure out who I am and what I want to be. If it is some part of a Cosmic or Divine plan, quite frankly, it fucking sucks. But, I don't know if the Universe,a God, or gods would work that way. If anything, my biggest realization in the last two weeks has been that sometimes shit happens to good people, and there is no real reason behind it.
I am well aware that the coming weeks, months, and possibly years will be full of events and circumstances that are beyond my control, I've made my peace with that. But, I am not powerless. Remember how I said I was angry? I don't think that word does what I feel right now justice, I'm fucking pissed is maybe more appropriate, if incredibly more vulgar. I'm going to harness that powerful emotion.
I firmly believe that anger is a gift, it lets people know when they feel they have been treated unfairly. And yeah, cancer (for any single human being) is unfair. But, I am still in control of a lot of things. I have started eating better, as of today. I'm still figuring out exactly what that means, but I have resolved to eat better. And as soon as I am able, I'm hitting the gym at least 3 days a week, and if I can't do that I'm sure I'll figure out a way to maintain physical activity, even through the possible chemotherapy I may have to go through. And when this is all over, and I'm cancer free, I'm going to find a way to make my time on this blue marble matter, not to be remembered but because I've learned something today.
Life is an amazing gift. I'm not saying I've squandered the last 24 years, I don't think I have by a long shot. But at best, I've got another 80 years, that's not a lot of time in reality. If I don't use that time well, I will have wasted the single best gift that could ever be given to any person anywhere. And I'm going to take the words of celebrity Astrophysicist Dr. Neil DeGrasse Tyson a whole lot more seriously, "I am driven by two main philosophies, know more about the world today than I did yesterday, and lessen the suffering of others. You'd be surprised how far that gets you."
Buckle up, it's going to be an awesome ride.
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